Holly Forrest
English 111; Spring 1998
Professor Nist
Project: Drafting (non-linear)--Collage

I remember my pain and my anguish. For three years I believed I had ulcers.

I remember the drugs. I have never had so many drugs in me at one time. I spent a month where almost everyday I was drugged. Sometimes you get too many and you spend hours puking yellow liquid that tastes like the hospital smells.

Samples, they want a sample of everything: your liver, your colon, your skin, your gall bladder, your blood, and it is never enough for them.

I felt like it was never ending. They were never going to find a problem with me. I was right, it was in my head. Did they check for ulcers?

When my doctor told me I had cirrhosis of the liver, I thought to myself, How can I have this disease? I am only nineteen years old. I have not had enough alcohol in my lifetime to get this disease. I thought, What if there is no cure? Do I go on medicine? I had so many questions.

Sometimes it felt like a sharp stabbing pain. Other times it would be dull and powerful. The more powerful pains were the dull ones, and they lasted the longest. Nothing helped my stomach aches.

Cirrhosis is also genetic; you can pass it from one generation to the next. You do not have to drink to get it.

I have a fear of needles that provided it's own problem. I was having blood taken about two to three times a week, and for every procedure I had to have IVs.

I think the image that makes the biggest impact on my memory is the recollection that there were so many faceless bodies ready to operate on me.

Melissa: "What is your assignment on?"
Holly: "It is on cirrhosis of the liver."
Melissa: "That's an interesting topic, are you interested in anatomy?"
Holly: "I am doing mine on cirrhosis because I have it."
Melissa: "What caused your liver condition? Is it something that is common in people?"
Holly: "It is not a common disease. It affects mostly men who are over forty. Excessive drinking over a long period of time usually causes it. In my case it was genetics."
Melissa: "That's too bad. Is there a cure for it? Isn't it funny how genes get passed from one generation to the next generation." Holly: "It is not curable, but getting a liver transplant can save somebody's life.

Tubes go everywhere you can imagine. They will put a tube with a camera in any opening in your body. The faceless surgeons want to see everything.

Another error that people believe is that you go on a transplant list and when you need it there will be a liver waiting for you; unfortunately that is not the case.

I remember the cold; it was always so unbelievably chilly in there.

That three years was nothing compared to the next six months.

When someone says cirrhosis of the liver people usually think of drunken old men. I think of a bright, young, vibrant girl.

It was all so very shiny. The stainless steel caught the light and reflected it off the white walls, so the room was very bright.

They were the most intensive stomach pains you could imagine. They would last anywhere from two to eight hours long. All I could do was to sit on my bed and cry from the pain.

You have to be on a donor list for many years and hopefully you will live to get a transplant, if a liver is ever found for you.

I have a second chronic illness that will affect my chance of getting a new liver. I will never even be but on the transplant list. My only choice is to keep taking the drugs that slow the process down.

I remember my pain, my anguish, and my fear.